Sorry, all of my non existant readers. I started this blog with the intention of following my recovery from severe depression. I just did not have the where-with-all to complete that lofty mission. You see, I was too depressed.
I started the long road of depression when I was 13. My parents were living seperately, my mom had been in and out of psyc hospitals for a few years (and would continue that pattern till she died) and I started the womanly monthly cycle, so thought the depression was caused mostly by the hormonal inbalances.
Mental illness was a taboo subject in the world I grew up in. I created many, many, many coping mechanisms and used them constantly. In my late 20's, after my own children were born, and I had suffered a few mental breakdowns, I finally sought help. Over the next 20 years I asked for help from drs. but was told I have great coping mech. and to keep using them, and off the record, told me I really did not want to seek mental help 'cause it would create problems for me trying to get health insurance. Wow, thanks medical professionals.
So I started seeking herbal remedies.... Lets take a step back here. I started smoking pot and drinking at 14 years of age. I stopped smoking pot at 28, cause I had developed chronic bronchitis, and stopped drinking at 32, when I was undergoing cancer treatment and a wise dr prescribed Xanax for me. The Xanax was a life saver for me. I could sleep at night, and did not get irrationally angry at the drop of a hat. The depression wore on though, but my coping was easier without the anxiety and temper losses. I also stopped crying that year.
The herbal and natural remedies helped some, but were so expensive for me, SAHM with 3 kids and a husband who was self employed, and barely making enough to pay for the whole she-bang. I was a very creative shopper, cook and bill payer. I remember too many days/nights spent trying to balance funds so hubs could pay his vendors so he could do more jobs and I could ekk out a few dollars to buy food and pay our bills. (Side note, it once took me 8 months to save $65 dollars to get my car fixed.) Most of the time I coped, or stole a few triavil from my mom. I would cut those suckers into 3 or 4 pieces, they stole my emotions, but it felt so good!
So that is a brief background, rough outline of the first 32 years of my life.
From 32 on, wow were there changes. The surgery, loss of reproductive organs, and new Xanax prescription were truly the beginning of a whole new way of living. Not to mention the realtionship with Christ that was started at about 29. That realtionship is a whole nother story, and I will try to mesh the two when possible.
#1 is, without Christ, I would have died. Literally. We had no insurance, I was bleeding all the time, and was getting sicker and weaker by the moment. We had begun attending a local church, and been volunteering in many different ministries before the pastor asked my hubs to work 2 days a week for health insurance. HE DID NOT KNOW I WAS SICK! This chapter of our lives lasted from 25/29 to 41.
I am tired now, this has brough up a lot for me to think about. I must get some of this sorted so I can complete this narrative, so my kids will know for reals what was going on with me while they were growing up. And will recognize and get treatment IF they ever have the same emotional breaks that I did. BTW, my husband got me through every hard bad time. He is a rock. A soft squishy rock that did not shrink when I cried all over him so many many many times. 35 years, and going strong!
So, I will post again later. Thanks for listening!
I started the long road of depression when I was 13. My parents were living seperately, my mom had been in and out of psyc hospitals for a few years (and would continue that pattern till she died) and I started the womanly monthly cycle, so thought the depression was caused mostly by the hormonal inbalances.
Mental illness was a taboo subject in the world I grew up in. I created many, many, many coping mechanisms and used them constantly. In my late 20's, after my own children were born, and I had suffered a few mental breakdowns, I finally sought help. Over the next 20 years I asked for help from drs. but was told I have great coping mech. and to keep using them, and off the record, told me I really did not want to seek mental help 'cause it would create problems for me trying to get health insurance. Wow, thanks medical professionals.
So I started seeking herbal remedies.... Lets take a step back here. I started smoking pot and drinking at 14 years of age. I stopped smoking pot at 28, cause I had developed chronic bronchitis, and stopped drinking at 32, when I was undergoing cancer treatment and a wise dr prescribed Xanax for me. The Xanax was a life saver for me. I could sleep at night, and did not get irrationally angry at the drop of a hat. The depression wore on though, but my coping was easier without the anxiety and temper losses. I also stopped crying that year.
The herbal and natural remedies helped some, but were so expensive for me, SAHM with 3 kids and a husband who was self employed, and barely making enough to pay for the whole she-bang. I was a very creative shopper, cook and bill payer. I remember too many days/nights spent trying to balance funds so hubs could pay his vendors so he could do more jobs and I could ekk out a few dollars to buy food and pay our bills. (Side note, it once took me 8 months to save $65 dollars to get my car fixed.) Most of the time I coped, or stole a few triavil from my mom. I would cut those suckers into 3 or 4 pieces, they stole my emotions, but it felt so good!
So that is a brief background, rough outline of the first 32 years of my life.
From 32 on, wow were there changes. The surgery, loss of reproductive organs, and new Xanax prescription were truly the beginning of a whole new way of living. Not to mention the realtionship with Christ that was started at about 29. That realtionship is a whole nother story, and I will try to mesh the two when possible.
#1 is, without Christ, I would have died. Literally. We had no insurance, I was bleeding all the time, and was getting sicker and weaker by the moment. We had begun attending a local church, and been volunteering in many different ministries before the pastor asked my hubs to work 2 days a week for health insurance. HE DID NOT KNOW I WAS SICK! This chapter of our lives lasted from 25/29 to 41.
I am tired now, this has brough up a lot for me to think about. I must get some of this sorted so I can complete this narrative, so my kids will know for reals what was going on with me while they were growing up. And will recognize and get treatment IF they ever have the same emotional breaks that I did. BTW, my husband got me through every hard bad time. He is a rock. A soft squishy rock that did not shrink when I cried all over him so many many many times. 35 years, and going strong!
So, I will post again later. Thanks for listening!
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